Sometimes i feel trapped inside my skin. I get this pressure in my chest like something inside wants out. I want it out! Everyone says, “just let it go!”. Honestly, if I knew how I would. If only it were that easy. I’m pretty good at holding on to things. Not letting my emotions out. Although, there are times I am literally pushed to silence because the only thing I want to say just will not come out. Even I am surprised by this. Too many walls? Too much vulnerability? I don’t know… but I am trying to heal… trying to figure out how to live one moment at a time.
I wrote that April 28th, 2015. Here I am just over three years later, and straight out of a 3 day hospital stay for this reason. It’s quite funny how i started blogging about this a month ago but never finished. Now, I look down at my bruised arms from blood sticks, blown IVs, and falling… this is where I am. This is not the person I saw myself as. I don’t want to be the girl who doesn’t have her “crap together”, who can’t manage her emotions, who is a delicate soul. None of that defines me to myself. I want to be the strong one, the warrior, the fighter! Well, … turns out I am human. I know… I know! I am just as surprised as you are!
Trust me, this is a hard pill for me to swallow. I am not excited about it. I WANTED TO BE A SUPER HERO!!!!!! So, here is the start of acceptance. It’s a dimly lit narrow path with tall, sun worn weeds on both sides. The sunset in the distance is a welcoming sight with pops of bright orange and pink while hues of various purples and blues beckon the constellations. It’s a road I’ve been searching for a while. Now that I am here, it’s slightly underwhelming. Yes, it’s beautiful and warm and welcoming, but it’s right across the field from a dump yard. While it’s alluring in sight, the haunting stench of the crap surrounding it is ferocious (insert all the anchor man references here). No wonder I avoided this route for so long. Now to walk down this trail with my little light in hand and hope I don’t stray too bad. I’m sure I will trip and fall a few times, because of course I will. The point is to keep walking, right?
“If I could silence all the doubt in me. Accept that what is meant to be…” – Architects
Looking within for peace. Learning to process as I go. Loving radically while not taking on the weight of everyone’s world along with mine will be my greatest accomplishment. This season is definitely an Isaiah 48:10 real life experience for not only me, but so many in my circle. I have encountered so many going through so much, and by that I mean more than I have experienced or could ever imagine going trough. I do not take life for granted. There are people all around you fighting battles. You are NEVER alone in your fight. I swear, just reach out to someone and you’ll be surprised. TRUST THE PROCESS.
Song of the Blog: