Hello, Anxiety, my old friend.

Sometimes i feel trapped inside my skin. I get this pressure in my chest like something inside wants out. I want it out! Everyone says, “just let it go!”. Honestly, if I knew how I would. If only it were that easy. I’m pretty good at holding on to things. Not letting my emotions out. Although, there are times I am literally pushed to silence because the only thing I want to say just will not come out. Even I am surprised by this. Too many walls? Too much vulnerability? I don’t know… but I am trying to heal… trying to figure out how to live one moment at a time.

I wrote that April 28th, 2015. Here I am just over three years later, and straight out of a 3 day hospital stay for this reason. It’s quite funny how i started blogging about this a month ago but never finished. Now, I look down at my bruised arms from blood sticks, blown IVs, and falling… this is where I am. This is not the person I saw myself as. I don’t want to be the girl who doesn’t have her “crap together”, who can’t manage her emotions, who is a delicate soul. None of that defines me to myself. I want to be the strong one, the warrior, the fighter! Well, … turns out I am human. I know… I know! I am just as surprised as you are!

 

whatgif

 

Trust me, this is a hard pill for me to swallow. I am not excited about it. I WANTED TO BE A SUPER HERO!!!!!! So, here is the start of acceptance. It’s a dimly lit narrow path with tall, sun worn weeds on both sides. The sunset in the distance is a welcoming sight with pops of bright orange and pink while hues of various purples and blues beckon the constellations. It’s a road I’ve been searching for a while. Now that I am here, it’s slightly underwhelming. Yes, it’s beautiful and warm and welcoming, but it’s right across the field from a dump yard. While it’s alluring in sight, the haunting stench of the crap surrounding it is ferocious (insert all the anchor man references here). No wonder I avoided this route for so long. Now to walk down this trail with my little light in hand and hope I don’t stray too bad. I’m sure I will trip and fall a few times, because of course I will. The point is to keep walking, right?

 

bilbo

“If I could silence all the doubt in me. Accept that what is meant to be…” – Architects

 

Looking within for peace. Learning to process as I go. Loving radically while not taking on the weight of everyone’s world along with mine will be my greatest accomplishment. This season is definitely an Isaiah 48:10 real life experience for not only me, but so many in my circle. I have encountered so many going through so much, and by that I mean more than I have experienced or could ever imagine going trough. I do not take life for granted. There are people all around you fighting battles. You are NEVER alone in your fight. I swear, just reach out to someone and you’ll be surprised. TRUST THE PROCESS.

 

Song of the Blog:

 

 

One thought on “Hello, Anxiety, my old friend.

  1. I’ve found that so often empathy and loyalty are shrouded in dark, wisdom walks hand in hand with sorrow, and joy is not nearly as contagious as fear. There’s something so dangerous in caring and in expressing it, especially if you’re the type to jump all in. It’s like fighting a dragon, except that the dragon is more like smoke that snuffs out your hope. I supposed, in that sense you are a warrior, only you’re fighting the dark side of empathy, the bleakness of humanity, and the knowledge of what things really are. I’ve also found that walking the line between cold and warm grants decent reprieve, if you can escape the bitterness, but we all know that’s not usually reality, and bitterness is just as suffocating. I was reading my journals again recently. I don’t know if any of us ever really change or if perhaps just our situations do and if perhaps it’s that cycle of battles that strengthens us slowly over time.

    Anyway, loved the imagery! I wish you were here so we could all write together. *sigh*

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s