Why are we so prideful in the containment of expressing our true feelings? I ask myself this a lot. We say we are authentic, yet we lack the true intimacy which real connections are meant for. Love isn’t love if it doesn’t embody the characteristics of its namesake. I want to love like God has loved me, yet I let how man has loved me rule my reception of love. I can give love more freely than I can receive it. I fear fully being loved. It scares me to death to think that someone could love me like I love them. I love so hard and so deep. When I lose that love, I grieve. Knowing I could hurt someone the way I have been hurt, or even opening myself up to potentially being hurt is terrifying. I tend to push those who love me the best away. Don’t get me wrong, I desire to be loved, we all do… I just don’t know how to let others love me for who I am. I have a hard time being vulnerable and I know this about myself.
I have softened over the years, yet I still can not say I love you to some of the most important people to me. If I have learned anything, it is life is short and we are most certainly not promised tomorrow. Knowing this, why then have I remained silent in my affections? Why am I so scared of rejection? Why do I care? As if my love is contingent upon reciprocation… it is not. Then why do I continue to deny myself the freedom those little words would give me should they ever evade my lips? Maybe I carry a great deal of meaning behind them instead of frivolously throwing them around like common street slang. I feel those 8 letters are cast in gold mined from the deepest pit of my heart. I value them. To give them away seems foolish, but we all need to. We can’t store up our treasures here. Part of living our lives is giving away bits and pieces of ourselves to leave our mark in this world, and filling in those gaps with pieces we have gained from others, or experiences. We aren’t meant to look the same throughout life. Sometimes our gaps will be noticeable, sometimes they’ll be filled with dirt or sand, but what’s important are the ones that are cemented in… those new pieces that stay with us and have become part of the foundation of who we are today. Eventually, we turn into this beautiful mix-matched masterpiece.
Being a creative carries a heavy weight of wanting to stand out and set yourself apart while balancing healthy relationships with others. Sometimes we let our relationships suffer for the sake of our art. What is a life lived if we have no one to share in our deepest valleys and greatest mountain tops. Obviously, I am comfortable with being alone. I have been single for most of my life by choice. I have a few close friends who have been with me through thick and thin. It’s hard to let others take care of me. I barely know how to take care of myself. I walk this fine line of wanting a partner in life and not wanting to let anyone fully in. (I know, I need therapy…) So, I am publicly confessing now that I will be more open to allowing myself to be loved and not run away when I get scared. It’s not easy to write all of this out for everyone to see, but after many talks, I know I am not the only one like me. I hope this encourages someone to finally let their guard down a little, or maybe even remove one brick in that wall around your heart. This isn’t just for romantic relationships, but for our circle as well. Allow others to see you for who you are, what you have to offer, and share yourself with this world. You never know what life you could inspire by just being you!
As always, me and my team of people are here for you. If you need to talk to someone, just reach out.
Song of the blog: The Few Things- JP Saxe